then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
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When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
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My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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