Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
