Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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