everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
