Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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