I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
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Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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