i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
