You smell like a Billy Joel song
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
