Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
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I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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