Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
