if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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