just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
