I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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