Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
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No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
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It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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