A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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