i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
