Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
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