don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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