oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
