the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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