it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
