Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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