we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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