her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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