I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
