Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
