today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
