Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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