Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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