After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just high enough for therapy.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
