Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
