Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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