She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
