I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
