I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
