just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
