Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
