paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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