I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
