bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
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im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
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So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Sext me about skeletons
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