it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
