I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This is my gift to your gina
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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