3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
