I wish I could teleport
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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