I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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