so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
