Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
