If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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