my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
