WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
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fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
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I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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