Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
