I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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