i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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