my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I need water and some morals
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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