I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
