I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
