She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
