I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
