And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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