I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
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chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
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the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
We had sex on a dog bed..
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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