At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
