I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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