does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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